“How the fuck did I get here? How did my life turn so horribly wrong?! This time last week we were meeting each other’s family and finally taking the plunge to move in together. My favourite moment is the very first moment we met; she was fixing her make up in the ladies at Club Royale and I couldn’t help but comment on her perfume, Givenchy Irresistible because “I am irresistible!” we said at the same time. We both giggled like school girls who had a crush on the cutest guy in school except the crush was on each other and I crushed hard after that. I didn’t even know if she was into girls but I gave it a shot and softly kissed her near her lips as we departed back to our friends. I knew she was surprised and intrigued at the same time but the ball was in her court if she wanted to take it any further. I remember I didn’t even tell my friends about her just in case I never saw her again, I didn’t want to get my hopes up, we were in a club after all. As the club was drawing to a close me and the girls decided to make our way out and go home. I scanned the club for her as we shuffled and shimmied our way through the ravers. My heart sank a bit when I couldn’t spot her face in that faceless crowd, the guys would try to get a sly grab or tap on the arse as we passed but anything more than that would be in their wildest dreams and that would never become true.

“See I only had eyes for her since the very moment I set my eyes on her. I loved how comfortable yet somewhat familiar our interaction was and I knew she felt it too.. Damn you Kaya!

“The girls were laughing and joking about a guy who tried to get a sneaky grind on my best friend Celia but my mind was elsewhere. A wolf whistle caught me off guard. As it caught my attention, I whipped my head round and saw her massively grinning with a cigarette in her hand.

“‘I’ll meet you at the car girls,’ I yelled as I half skipped and jogged my way over to her in my new Carvella’s, damn they hurt my feet but I didn’t care..

“‘Not even a goodbye,’ she said coyly, as the smoke smoothly left her sexy deep red lips. She knew she was working it, everything about her oozed Marilyn sex appeal. I was enticed.

“‘I don’t do goodbyes babe ‘cos I was actually hoping we could do lunch one day in the week.’

“I wrapped the end of her hair round my fingers, it felt so soft. I was tempted to ask what conditioner she used but I knew that could wait until another day, I had to focus.

“‘My name is Kaya by the way and I would love to go to lunch with you,’ she said as we smiled sweetly at each other.

“‘My name is Myla.’

“We giggled and exchanged numbers, it felt kismet. We nick named each other KyKy and MyMy.

“We spoke for hours on the phone and saw each other nearly every day. She didn’t live too far and it was easy for her to get to work from my house. Everything felt effortless with her, my friends adored her too they all could see how happy we made each other.

“It wasn’t even that long ago that I fucked up and she almost left me. A whole bunch of us were out for Celia’s birthday, I was so drunk and found myself dancing then kissing some random dude, Kaya saw and came over, she gave me the slap of sense and ran off. The slap snapped me out of my drunken state and I spent the next few weeks making it up to her.

“Now here’s where everything started to go wrong.

“Kaya finally forgave me and proposed we live together. I was so happy but she also felt it was time for me to meet her family. Kaya was privileged enough to have both her parents whilst growing up, she spoke so fondly of her parents and her younger brother at times I was envious because I didn’t have that perfect family unit. My mum raised me by herself and it was hard but we did the best we could with what we had especially with no dad because he left when I was born. I memorised his face from the few pictures my mum gave me, he was a handsome caramel man with long kinky hair, the infamous Ricky Jones as my mother would usually quip…

“I’m sorry… I’m drifting so anyways my mum didn’t exactly receive Kaya with  open arms, she doesn’t really approve of my lifestyle but I keep telling her let me live life the way I want, I only get one life I have to live it for me. She’s slowly coming around but it’s a work in progress. She was actually the one to initiate the notion of Kaya and her meeting I didn’t want to force this relationship onto my mother knowing what her beliefs are, so I was ecstatic at this point there was a lot of change occurring at the time so it was all great.

“On the Monday Kaya and I met her mother Kate for lunch and a bit of light retail therapy looking back on it she made a weird comment and wouldn’t let it go, she insisted she’s seen me before but couldn’t think where, that my face was familiar but she couldn’t fathom why and neither could I especially seeing that we lived in different areas and our paths had never crossed until this point. Regardless we had a lovely time and I could see she and Kaya were very close; Kaya’s dad would be back from his business trip the following Saturday which is today so Kate invited me round for dinner.

“You know it’s funny, after my mother met Kaya on Monday she said she had a bad feeling about our relationship but she couldn’t explain why, I just thought it was mum being judge-y as usual but I guess mothers know best when it’s all said and done.”

“What makes you say that? What happened?”

“I can’t even, I’m sorry … It doesn’t matter I’ve already taken up too much of your time. You have a café to run, you don’t need to listen to my sob story, I’m sorry!”

“No no, you’re alright! That’s why I have staff; they’ll be fine without me. Carry on telling me your story, what happened when you went to… Kaya’s… Is that her name?”

“Yes”

“Parents’ house?”

“Well… Her dad opened the door and greeted me, I recognised his face but couldn’t place my finger on where from. It was almost uncanny. The feeling gnawed at me the whole time… Even Kaya could tell something was wrong and then he asked about my parents, I mentioned my mother’s name and he froze completely, everyone was bewildered, his face looked like he had seen a ghost but really it was I who witnessed a ghost. Kate called his name repeatedly ‘Richard! Richard!’ You see Ricky Jones is Richard Johnson.

“Kaya’s dad is my dad too…”

“Ohh… Fuck! My dear… Are you sure?”

“Yeah… It turns out he had changed his surname to Johnson, his mother’s surname when he started up his accountancy business because Richard Johnson sounds better, then he met Kaya’s mother Kate and had Kaya and her brother, then they lived happily ever after. He forgot about me as soon as he got his new life.

“Kaya ran and locked herself in the bathroom and her parents were shouting down the house so I left. I don’t think it has even fully settled in, I am beyond confused. I don’t even know which or what emotion to feel.”

“Feel all of them…”

” I can’t!”

“You can… its the only way you will get through this. Have you spoken to Kaya or your mother yet?”

“I don’t even know what I could say to her, the girl that I love is actually my half sister and I’ve found my father after all these years. I need to try and get my head around it at least a little bit before I speak to either of them.”

“Fair enough … it does make me question the type of man I am and what type of father I would be, I have no kids yet but regardless no matter the situation in which I conceive a child I think I would still be present in their life, I guess I’d be like my father but better. I have to give him credit where credit is due because he makes sure all his children know their siblings. He has 14 kids so far and one on the way with various mothers. He’s a walking, talking sperm machine. The Sperminator. I’m joking but still your situation kind of puts things into perspective; every action we make has a consequence. For example I saw a young woman crying and looking very distressed, I asked her if she was ok and then she rambled on until she told me her life changing news about finding her father and sister who she was formerly dating or what I can assume is was formerly dating, the point being if I hadn’t asked that young woman if she was alright then who knows where she might have ended up or what she might have done and I would have missed out on the opportunity of meeting such a wonderful person with such a beautiful name Myla”

“Thank you Nate you’re too kind I really appreciate all that you have done, taking me in and listening, it really means a lot. I think I should go now its time for you to lock up and its time for me to figure out what I’m going to do next.”

He asked me if I wanted him to take me home but I just wanted silence , some time to think. The rain starts to fall and so do my tears, I didn’t try to stop them I let them flow and be washed away by the rain as I walk with what feels like new eyes because they’re sore and blurry.

I love Kaya, always will but there’s no coming back from this and she knows that too. I have so many questions for Ricky, no Richard, do I call him Ricky, Richard or Dad no Dad is just wrong and he has to earn that title because it’s a gigantic leap from being a sperm donor. Right now he’s just a known unknown sperm donor, maybe if he had tried to find me years ago we all wouldn’t be in this mess.

It is after 11 and there are kids out playing and being mischievous throwing egg grenades at each other. Where are their parents? Do they know they’re out being a nuisance? Do they even care? Suddenly the anger creeps over me and the self control lets go. No one cares really so why should I… I march into the nearest shop and buy two packs of eggs then march back to the Johnson household. My mother keeps calling me but I’m still not ready to deal with her set of emotions or judgements, after all she did warn me. Walking back past Nate’s café I gave a little smile, if he could see me now he would stop me but I need to do this for me, I need to release some of this emotion. Approaching the house my heart beat accelerates, my hands and back start secreting sweat and the anger comes back, I open the box of eggs and hold one in my hand, the cold egg contrasts my hot, sweaty hand, it feels quite soothing but I still hurl it at the window.

“That’s for leaving me before I was born.”

I reach for two more

“That’s for leaving my mum and starting a new life.”

The tears come back and make me angrier so I keep throwing them at the window and door. I shriek at the top of my lungs, “Face me you coward!” But still no sign of anybody in the house. “How dare you not answer, I’m the victim here!!”

“There’s no one home, the ambulance and police came, over an hour ago.”

I turn around and see a middle-aged hard face blonde woman, I steady my anger and try not to sound too aggressive. “What happened?”

“I’m not sure but Richard was taken in the ambulance and Kate was taken by the police.  Whatever happened must have been serious, they’ve been together over 20 years and are the nicest family I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.”

“Where’s Kaya?” I feel like a panic attack  is about to set in. It’s getting hard to breathe…

“She and her brother went to the hospital with their dad… How do you know them, are you family? Are you ok you don’t look too good…”

My heart is beating a 100 mph, I feel hot and sick I think I’m going to pass out, everything is blurry.

Oh shit!