marta this one

Photo Credit: Marta Sputo

I’m not proud of many things I’ve done in my life; I’m ashamed to bring them to my lips. I’m embarrassed by what I once was and what I represented. I knew this life wasn’t what God had ordained for me and that I was fully responsible for my actions. I knew that only I could save myself from the brutal reality my life had become; only I could change the unrecognisable reflection I saw in the mirror, not only for myself, but for people who loved me, cried and prayed throughout the night for me. I knew that my world was full of uncertainty and that if I continued on this journey I would fall in a hole as deep as the notorious Red Sea, and no one, I mean no one, would be able to rescue me. My life had become an uncertainty; it was passing through me like the crisp wind that runs through a forest. I was alone in a world where no one chooses loneliness. I had become a bare soul where every path I walked lost its light, every morning I woke, birds never sang and every night I slept, the moon never shone. It was as though I had become lost in a forest where my own guilty shadows haunted me, where my mistakes shouted through the hollows in the trees, where my tears dampened the dry leaves. I couldn’t explain my grief in words, I couldn’t write the events down on paper. Everyone’s wanted to know what lead up to the events; but I couldn’t find the words. I loved her beyond eternity, and never wanted to hurt her. If I could go back I would. But I can’t. I’m too much of a coward to kill myself. So I have to live my mistakes. I have to live with the consequences. I have to live knowing she will no longer return. I have to live knowing it’s because of me. Many years have passed and  still today her face flashes like beaming lights in my mind. Her laughter echos  in my ears, her fragrance travels with me at all times and no matter how much I have tried to run away  her memories follow me.